We live a thousand of miles from family or anyone we’ve known for more then 3 years. When we moved from NY we just dived in. We knew we wanted to get married but we didn’t know we wanted kids or a kid.
I had lived away at college for 4 years so I had a little idea of the independence of living far from my family, except I was only two hours away back then.
We’ve made a few friends here and when I became pregnant I thought I could handle anything. I had lived here three years and figured out mostly everything I thought I needed to know. I had one friend I knew I could depend on here. A mom friend. After Odin was born I became closer to another friend here as well.
After the c-section and my parent’s returned north and my husband went back into full swing work, I was still recovering. I was physically and mentally healing. This beautiful little person was attached to me and when left alone after three weeks of my mom’s “help” I felt like I can do this. So what I haven’t slept more then two hours since months before the baby was born.
Nursing was going well after the initial pain of it all. A few weeks in I felt confident then at 6 weeks the baby didn’t nap as solid as before. I was constantly nursing. My husband would come home from work and I’d still be on the couch with the baby attached and all the lights off because I didn’t want to disturb the baby. My dogs patiently slept awaiting their walks.
It had been months since I was alone, or napped or didn’t go to the bathroom in record time. I didn’t want Odin to be in distress. I didn’t want to ask for help. In my brain I thought, “I’m 30 and just have one. By the time my mom was 24 she had two little boys. My mother in law started at 19 and had another 9 months later then another a year later and well she just kept going 6 boys later.” “I can do this.”
I remember crying because our place was a mess. I remember crying because I was starved after a long day of sitting on the couch with baby attached. I wasn’t mad at Odin. I wasn’t mad. I just felt alone. I felt helpless. I felt like I had no control.
I remember texting my good friend one day, “I don’t think I am very good at being a mom.” She drove 30 minutes with her kids to give me a break. I took my first nap since Odin was born. I felt like I couldn’t nap as long as I needed because I didn’t want to be a bad mother.
As Odin grew out of that fussy phase and hit 3 months then 4 then 5 I finally asked another friend for help. I had her come over to watch Odin so my mess of hair could be fixed. She comes over often just to take him walking. For a while I felt extremely guilty. I am not working. I am here for this. How could I need help? How could I accept it?
I swallow my pride. My good friends here are my family now. These people love and support me, my husband and now my son. It’s good for Odin to spend time with other people. He’s such a happy, social being.
Of course we aren’t going down the avenue of a night time sitter or a weekend sitter. I take Odin to all doctor appointments. I don’t go to shows or parties. We travel as a family and to family friendly places.
I am now where I don’t want alone time. I love having Odin with me. I feel like he learns so much experiencing even mundane things. I do feel that occasionally spending time with one of two people I trust is good for him. Hard for me, good for him.
I think as moms we often forget to take care of ourselves. We have so much on our plates. Some things others put there, some things we’ve put there. I need to be healthy in order to be a good wife and a good mom. I try to keep everything together but I often repeat to myself there is always tomorrow. No one other then me is judging myself.
Well the little is napping so I must get back to eating, cleaning and walking fur balls.